


Blueberry Pancakes

by WereKitte



Series: Kitte's Vermish Ramblings [2]
Category: The Order (TV 2019)
Genre: Difficult Topics, F/M, Vera's daughter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WereKitte/pseuds/WereKitte
Summary: A simple, unassuming breakfast leads to a conversation Hamish had always been too afraid to bring up.
Relationships: Hamish Duke/Vera Stone
Series: Kitte's Vermish Ramblings [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1840669
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Blueberry Pancakes

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't actually expect to finish this one up so quickly but hey! May as well start off my postings here with a bang and post two stories in one night! I've got a few more ideas I'm playing with right now, that aren't quite as depressing as this one. But for now, here's more of my rambling Vermish thoughts, typed out in story format.

Hamish shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that Vera was not a morning person on her days off. Between her day job as Belgrave’s Chancellor and her after hours job as both Temple Magus and Grand Magus, Vera ran herself ragged nearly every day of the week and Hamish had learned quickly to leave her be on the rare days she was allowed to sleep in. It had taken him months to convince her to let him sleep over in the first place. It had only taken once to teach him to tiptoe around when he woke up, at least if he didn’t want to find himself quite literally tossed out on his rear.

On one such morning, Hamish found himself stretched out on her couch, a book in hand while he listened for any sign of her stirring. Neither of them had any obligations for the day, a first in weeks. It would be nice to be able to relax for once. As much as he admired the demanding workaholic, everyone needed a break sometimes.

Hamish had been awake for hours by the time he heard Vera crawl out of bed and stumble groggily towards the bathroom. He listened until he heard the shower turn on before closing his book and walking into the kitchen. He’d spent enough mornings with her to have a rough idea of her morning routines and how long she’d take to make an appearance. A Sunday morning with no other plans meant a shower and towel dried hair and little, if any, make up. It gave him just enough time to scrounge up something for breakfast.

Rummaging through her fridge, he soon realized that Vera hadn’t been to the store in ages. Order business had kept her so busy recently, Hamish had begun bringing her food throughout the day because he knew she wouldn’t have remembered to eat otherwise. Clearly he’d been correct because currently, breakfast was looking bleak. 

He did manage to find a nearly empty box of pancake mix that might produce enough to feed them both, if he limited himself. No syrup though. Why was he even surprised? But then through sheer luck, he came across a small, unopened bag of frozen blueberries in the back of her freezer. He could make it work.

By the time Vera emerged, hair still damp and face still clean, Hamish had a decent stack of steaming pancakes piled up and a pot of coffee ready and waiting. He filled a mug and pushed it across the counter towards her before she could ask. Vera gave him a small, appreciative smile in response. She was clearly still half out of it.

Hamish split the pancakes onto two plates and set one of them in front of her before walking around the counter to sit beside her.

“Sleep well?” Hamish asked, cutting into a pancake with his fork. The berries had been tiny little things, certainly not worth eating fresh, and they were half hidden in the fluffy batter but the blueberry pancakes were surprisingly flavorful. Better than nothing, that was for sure.

Vera nodded, covering a yawn with her hand. “Once somebody decided to let me sleep,” she said with a small smirk.

Hamish arched a brow. “Oh really? I seem to remember last night a little differently. Something about someone’s hand not staying where it was supposed to?”

Vera smiled then, one of her rare, true smiles that few other than Hamish ever got to see. “Well, we did have all night, for once,” she teased. She cut out a tiny slice of her food and almost playfully bit it off the end of her fork, her eyes never leaving his and her smile never quite fading. That was, until she suddenly gagged and ran for the kitchen sink, spitting out the mouthful of food and then dry heaving violently.

Hamish was on his feet only a second after her and he rushed to gather her long dark hair out of her way. That wasn’t at all the reaction he’d been expecting. He’d tried them already. The pancakes weren’t a masterpiece or anything but they weren’t that bad.

Once Vera had stopped heaving and was only breathing heavily as she grasped the edge of the sink, Hamish let her hair fall back around her shoulders. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

“I can’t eat blueberries.” He could make out the tension of her jaw as she ground out the words.

“You…can’t eat blueberries?” he repeated dumbly. They were in her freezer. 

Vera slowly straightened, still gripping the edge of her sink. She lifted one hand and waved it dismissively. “Obviously,” she muttered.

There had to be something he was missing. “Then why-”

Vera spun around abruptly. Her green eyes were filled with despair. “Do we have to talk about this?”

And in that instant, he got it. This was the one topic they avoided at all costs, the one completely off limits subject for her. He knew the gist of it. Jack did sort of suck at keeping secrets, after all. He knew Vera had had a daughter at a young age. He knew that her baby girl had died of an unexpected allergic reaction. Vera had never talked about it and he’d never pushed the subject. Cassie’s death was painful to revisit. Vera’s loss of a child had to be nearly unbearable.

Hamish’s expression softened in understanding and he nodded. “Alright,” he murmured. He stepped back, giving her space if she needed it. He took another step back and waited again, and when she didn’t react in any way, he turned back towards the counter. “I’ll throw these out.” 

“You can eat them,” she said wearily. 

“No, it’s fine. We can just-”

“Hamish! Just eat the damn things. There’s no reason to waste perfectly good pancakes, just because I can’t choke down a few berries anymore.”

Hamish looked at the full plates uncertainly. “We should go to breakfast. The pancake mix was all I could find and I used it all up.”

“I’m not hungry, Hamish,” Vera ground out. “Just eat already. Your stomach sounds like your wolf is trying to break free.”

It wasn’t. Hamish was typically content with just a few cups of coffee in the morning and then a bigger meal a bit later on. He also knew that once Vera had her mind set to something, there was almost no way to change it. Dropping into a seat, he set to work shoveling pancakes into his mouth as fast as he could swallow. He’d feel better once they were all out of her sight.

Vera didn’t sit next to him again, retreating to the couch in the living room instead. She didn’t speak. He didn’t hear any quiet sniffles or catches in her breathing. The woman was so danged tough, it truly amazed him some days.

By the time he’d finished off every last pancake, washed the dishes and then washed his mouth out, just in case his breath smelled too much like blueberries, Vera was waiting for him. She was curled in the corner of the couch, her legs pulled up beneath her. Hamish sat down beside her, putting some space between them. He’d learned that trick ages ago. If he gave Vera some space, she’d come to him. If he pushed her, she’d push back.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly.

Vera shrugged, giving him a tight, half-hearted smile. “You couldn’t have known.” She shifted until facing forward again and unconsciously inching a tad closer. “It’s not something I like to talk about.”

“We don’t have to talk,” Hamish assured her.

Vera pressed her lips together in a firm line, her eyes glued to some spot on the floor ahead of her.

“Unless…you want to?” Hamish added. He wanted her to know she could talk to him, even if she didn’t have to. He wasn’t going to push her, not on something like this.

There was a moment’s pause and then she squeezed her eyes shut and gave a small nod. “I guess I should start at the beginning. I grew up in rural Washington. My father farmed. My mother looked after the home. I was never content in that life. I was always looking for something more. I studied hard, took as many AP classes as I could manage, participated in any extracurricular I could get into, knowing it was probably my only chance to get away from there. I didn’t date. I rarely went to parties. I threw myself into my schoolwork and so help anyone who tried to distract me.  
And then during the summer when I was fifteen, it all changed. Summer was almost over and school was about to start back up. I let some friends talk me into going to a party. Just one last hurrah before I got swallowed up with my classes again. It wasn’t the first time I’d had a drink but it was the first time I ended up that out of it.”

“Vera-” Hamish breathed, not liking where this was going.

Vera grabbed his hand and squeezed once. “Please, don’t interrupt. I need to get this all out at once,” she said quietly. She took in a deep breath, her pretty features skewing up as she grimaced and continued. “You can guess what happened next. I don’t even fully remember it…thank god,” she whispered. Hamish wanted to hug her and never let her go but he also got the feeling that if he did anything more than hold her hand, she’d break. She let out a wavering breath and then shook it off. “I went home and didn’t say a word. School started up again and I threw myself back into my classes with a new vigor. I was getting the hell out of that town if it was the last thing I did…and then a month later, I realized I was pregnant.”  
“My parents were furious,” she continued. “There wasn’t even a point in telling them how it had happened. They were never going to listen. In two days, they’d packed up all my clothes and tossed me out on my ass. Thankfully I had an aunt who took me in. She lived a couple towns over, so I had to start over at a new school.” Vera went quiet for a moment. “Being a pregnant teenager with no friends, in a new school, was difficult. I kept trying though. I’d lost my original dream of getting as far away as possible. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. Not with a baby. But I also didn’t want to be stuck in some dead-end job, barely making ends meet. I needed to make a better life for us.”  
“The baby came a few months after I turned sixteen…she was perfect. It wasn’t easy. I was still taking all AP classes, even if I’d given up most of the afterschool activities when I transferred. Everyone kept telling me she was such an easy baby, always so happy. But she was still a baby and I was running on almost no sleep for months. She could always make me smile though, even when I was up late studying, un-showered, with spit up in my hair. As long as she was in my lap, we were good.  
She was meeting all of her milestones. Smiling, laughing, sitting up. She was just starting to eat real foods. She loved bananas. And then one morning, I was feeding her and…” Vera trailed off but she didn’t need to say more.

“She had a reaction to the blueberries,” he finished for her.

Vera nodded. “I watched her lips start to turn blue and there was nothing I could do. We weren’t close enough for the ambulance to make it. I held her in my arms and I felt her stop breathing. I tried doing CPR. I tried everything…but she was gone before the sirens ever reached our street.”

“I am so sorry, Vera,” Hamish said honestly.

Vera took in a shaky breath. “I couldn’t even be in the same room as blueberries for years afterwards,” she admitted. She glanced up at Hamish, her face unguarded. “I buy them sometimes, when things are really rough. I buy them and then I just stare at them, wondering how something so seemingly innocent can wreck someone’s whole life in the blink of an eye.” Then she leaned against Hamish and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.

“We can visit her, if you want,” he said softly.

“She’s in Washington,” Vera whispered back.

“We can still visit.”

Vera let out a slow, soft breath and Hamish felt a tear fall onto his arm. "I don't know if I'm ready to face her again."

“What was her name?” he asked quietly. He needed to complete this puzzle, if only so they could both shove it back into its box and hide from the pain of its truth once again.

Vera pressed her face into his chest. He almost missed the single word she breathed out. “Alyssa.”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so for some reason, the idea of Vera’s daughter being named Alyssa has just stuck with me for some time. Vera has always pushed back against Alyssa so hard, for no apparent reason, that I feel like there’s got to be some story behind it. It seems like more than just Vera “not playing favorites”. Alyssa even told Lilith that during their first year, Vera hated her. So this idea of Vera pushing against Alyssa because maybe just hearing her daughter’s name just hurts too much just kind of came to me and wouldn’t leave.
> 
> And the blueberry idea was just sort of funny to me bc I saw something from years ago where Katharine Isabelle said blueberries are her kryptonite and she won't eat them, so when I wanted to go with a food allergy, I figured why not blueberries.


End file.
